It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Randomize
