I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Damn victory sex feels great
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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