I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
