I could make wine with my vomit
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I came so hard my ears popped.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
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