i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
How's work?
Spinning.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
