How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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