Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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