I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
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