my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Randomize
