He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Randomize
