Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Let's paint friendship bongs
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
