$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
