My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
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