Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
