What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Can't talk, ducks in the car
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Randomize
