I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
