You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
