you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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