I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
