Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
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