She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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