I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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