I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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