last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
