I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
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