I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
