I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
