nut hugger
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
