woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
