I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
not ubering you a puppy
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
