I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Also, beer. Big fan.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
