The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
