my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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