My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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