so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
