there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
