We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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