I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
