I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
cat food counts as protein by the way
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
