Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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