Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize