Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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