Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
