She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
