im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Randomize
