never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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