I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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