I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Houston, we have a blender
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
