Your face is a jimmy john
I cut my penus on the lid.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
