Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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