Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
this beer tastes like vomit already
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
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