Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
