woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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