I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
