So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Randomize
