Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
