Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
