i don't plan on having that self control this summer
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Randomize
