Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
