why didn't you poke me back
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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