Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
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