and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
