you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
