I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
